I am saddened to announce the death of My Ability To Make Friends.
My Ability To Make Friends passed from this world last Thursday following an unfortunate public speaking incident. When asked about his current poetry project, My Ability To Make Friends gave an awkward, meandering response. I heard about a guy who made 20 friends just by wearing a t-shirt, he asserted. I usually don’t even know what shirt I’m wearing. Unaware of how uncomfortable his classmates were with his response, My Ability To Make Friends continued to smile cluelessly through their silence.
This is not the first time My Ability To Make Friends has turned a simple response into an awkward mess. Thankfully, it will be the last.
One is reminded of the time when My Ability To Make Friends was able to make not only a friend, but also a girlfriend. This stroke of good luck ended in disaster after My Ability To Make Friends’ lone friend made fun of My Ability To Make Friends’ girlfriend’s voice. Influenced by Unable To Control His Emotions, My Ability To Make Friends threw a peanut butter and jelly sandwich at his friend. Although this image may bring to mind a child, My Ability To Make Friends was 18-years-old at the time of the incident, which took place in a factory break room.
My Ability To Make Friends’ girlfriend would later move without telling him, taking his leather jacket and Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers C.D. with her.
My Ability To Make Friends was frequently also influenced by My Social Awkwardness, My Inability To Read Social Cues, My Unwillingness To Make Eye Contact, My Piss Poor Temperament, My Penchant For Correcting Others When They Are Speaking, and My Rigid Belief System. Even though Therapy, Adderall, and Dextroamphetamine attempted to help My Ability To Make Friends become more socially acceptable through conversation and medication, they were unsuccessful.
My Ability To Make Friends is survived by no one. He had no friends.
A memorial service will be held in the previously discussed break room from the peanut butter and jelly sandwich incident on Tuesday at 3 PM, the most inconvenient time of day.
Adam Woodard writes short fiction, memoir, creative nonfiction, and poetry. His work has appeared in The Ashen Egg and Zephyrus. He was a finalist in the Mary Ellen and Jim Wayne Miller Celebration of Writing and the Goldenrod Poetry Festival. After receiving a late-life autism diagnosis, Adam returned to school as a nontraditional student at the age of 35. He holds a BFA in Creative Writing from Western Kentucky University. He hopes to earn his MFA and continue to advocate for autism acceptance. He lives with his wife and two children in Kentucky.
Pegasus 